Will my parents go to hell if I don't wear hijab, they tried to convince me and they provided it to me but I don't want to wear it?
07.06.2025 07:55
Comparative religion studies show the belief in the existence of beings who play an intermediary role between limited, moral humans and an all-powerful divinity all around the world. The religions of the Book are no different. They share a Bible, and angels are found in Jewish tradition and in Islam as well as in Christianity” (The Little Book of Angels, 14).
Indignation deals with honor, shame, guilt, and morality. A far less well-made Roth film, American Pastoral, based on an even greater modern classic, but far lesser cinematically, does too. These films also deal with issues of gender, sexuality, race, religion, assimilation, culture clash. And class. And generations - in terms of both trauma and love. The music is very powerful and beautiful, as is the score of Barry for Frances; complete with an opening selection of Mozart expressed in ironic juxtaposition visually and aurally, which don’t match beautifully and intentionally, personally and systemically. The haunting quality and the inspirationally, awesomely joyful quality of Mozart are heard simultaneously, so too do we both see and hear the music, a la Balanchine.
You might find interesting the writings of conservative religious feminists - technically this includes Manji, also see those of Meghan McCain and Rachel Denhollander. The memoirs of Alexandra Raisman and Simone Biles may also be inspiring and useful to you.
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As for hell, that is not what is at stake here. Rather, the task of religion and spirituality is to bring peace to the world via inner peace to the self.
In the Old Testament, the designation ‘messenger’ may apply to prophets or preachers. ‘ Angels’ are distinctly defined first and foremost by their function: they come from heaven to visit humankind and announce the intentions of the divine.
Nawaz’s talks, like those of Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Manji, and others are available online. You can also find Anila Ali’s there, and you might find of interest a book of interviews with RBG, and the biopic about her life, which also deals with honor, shame, morality, and guilt, and appearance vs. reality. The film as her personal, political and legal story makes the case that harm to the rights of women eventually if indirectly, yet systemically, harms the rights to men! She realizes systemic and/or interpersonal/personal repression of women is also repressive and destructive of men, and sets out to change the world. The aptly named Ruth is thus set on a spiritual, personal, and political and legal journey to become a great advocate and lawyer, leading her eventually to become a great jurist, scholar-advocate, and public intellectual. The film movingly shows how her bond with her spouse, Martin, and her personal suffering, grief and trauma, enabled her to bond empathetically with a new client, and to defend him effectively as a young and truly radical lawyer. You can also find books about or by her available in many places like the bookshop of the local history society in NYC; which also offers a book about her fashion style, collars. She discusses Malala’s heroism in conversations with RBG, also accessible there, which might resonate with you. You can find her public talks, lectures and interviews - and much on her iconic, historic friendship with Scalia - online too. You can find talks with Kasim Hafeez, former jihadist turned anti-jihadist, and another such ted talk online; interviews with Hafeez as with Nawaz and other such individuals; interviews with the Green Prince and his public talks and debates and discussions too. Also those of Mr. Haddad.
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If veiling doesn’t deliver that for you, that’s that. Role-play with allies, Muslim or not, peer, mentor, and/or both, as many as you can find and as few or many as you prefer, need and want. This might evolve with time. Explain and express as clearly as humanly possible and you can, why no veiling for you. Be respectful with both Muslim and non-Muslim women, especially but not only in your family, friendship circle and community, who choose to veil. But also demand and expect respect for yourself, lifestyle and choices and personal spiritual path.
The Winning Attitude by Kwan is a great self-help book. I encourage you to read it; you can likely find it at a local library and/or bookshop. Memoirs of Lipinski, Kwan, Baiul, and a biography of Hughes and Cohen are also available. Karen Chen also wrote a memoir. Kristi Yamaguchi also wrote many books, mightily worth exploring and reading!
You might find useful the poetry of Rumi, the book The Courage to be Disliked, about Adlerian psychology and inner spirituality on a contemplative basis, and Jewish Meditation by Aryeh Kaplan. Perhaps Lessons in Leadership by the late, great Sacks might also help you find your voice, vision, courage, resilience, and strength. Check out also the books, talks, debates, interviews, and lectures and writings on leadership by Dr. Ahmed, Anila Ali, Professor Manji of Canada, Professor Peterson of Canada, Coleman Hughes, Africa Brooke, and Chloe Valdary. The End of Race Politics by Hughes and The Third Perspective by Brooke you might find engaging, educational, useful, or inspiring. The works of Dr. Chesler - Phyllis Chesler may also be helpful to you, and of Dr. Hazony, Yoram Hazony, as you forge your way and discover your path.
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You can watch religious movies like Fill the Void, the animation one about Saint Bernadette, and the Prince of Egypt which dramatize the power of love, forgiveness, faith, freedom and innocence. Very different each, but they all show how innocence and goodness and love and faith, and freedom of the soul if not body, win over hate and intolerance. This is the truth of real spirituality, religion and faith. And religious culture, heritage, identity, and history. Devotion, civilization and piety. All these also deal with honor, shame, guilt and morality.
You might also find the film Good Will Hunting, also available in Oscar-winning screenplay and a movie score available on YouTube as are many scenes from the iconic classic Hollywood movie, of interest and use to you. Or inspiration and comfort, as the other two works too. There is a great scene, spoiler, concerning a break-up that deals with honor and shame vs guilt and morality cultures, with some creative liberties - they depict the British culture as guilt and morality centered, Irish and American as honor and shame centered, though in reality British culture, historically if not now is heavily honor and shame centered! That’s poetry for you. The film also deals with subtle Protestant vs. Catholic theological questions, with Skylar, Sean and others embodying Protestant teachings and expressing these, Will, Lambeau, and others embodying and expressing Catholic ideals. And with culture clash, in that case of Ireland and America vs. England, embodying in the female lead who represents a mix of the real woman and ideal woman.
Classic plays dealing with honor and shame vs. guilt and morality themes include the brilliant and brave Miss Julie, The Father, The Ghost Sonata, A Dream Play and Eleanora all by Strindberg. See also a Doll’s House, The Wild Duck, an Enemy of the People, Hedda Gabbler, and Ghosts. Also intriguing and great: Mrs. Warren’s Profession, The Children’s Hour, Uncle Vanya, Splendor in the Grass (both a play, soundtrack and movie), the exquisitely scored Girl with a Pearl Earring, likewise scored Starry Night, ditto Frida. And see also The Hours, also a novel, soundtrack and screenplay and opera; Luce (a play and movie), You’ve Got Mail (a play and movie, and soundtrack). “ One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest” is also a novel; Girl, Interrupted deals with honor and shame vs. guilt and morality (“ have you ever felt like stealing something even when you had the money?”). It is also, and based loosely on an original memoir, by Susanna Kaysen, and features outstanding acting by Goldberg, Jolie, Ryder, Redgrave, Murphy, and others. Dangerous Liaisons deals with these themes of honor, shame, vs. guilt and morality, too, on the eve of the French revolution; so does a virtuosic modern adaptation, Cruel Intentions, and a much goofier but sweet comedy, Legally Blonde, starring the same actress: Reese Witherspoon. A brilliantly Brechtian take of irony, poignancy, wit both formal and moral, and drama on honor, shame vs guilt and morality is “ Chicago” the film, the Broadway musical, and also, the many ice skating programs such as of Gold and Baiul among diverse many others. They capture the essence of a city; more than that, a great American city, more than that, brilliantly dramatize key ironies of the American dream, as well as comedies, tragedies, and hypocrisies. Seven Deadly Sins, the ballet originally danced by a great American-Jewish ballerina, Kent, is also interesting for this wonderfully Brechtian sense of irony exploring issues of honor and shame vs. guilt and morality, sensuality vs. spirituality, and lust vs. love. As Chicago explores in a different way, with equally biting, brilliant, bold, beautiful social commentary and artistic excellence and character. And merit, overall and artistic, social and overall. Soon you will be able to see Macmillan’s classic R and J at ABT. Swan Lake is playing there now. Sometimes the adjacent opera company does their own R and J; they’re also intermittently doing The Hours, but it’s more convenient to read the script at a local library. It is accessible immediately at the NYPLPA. And elsewhere. The film can also be seen online in snippets, or wholly through other media, as can many additional films referenced, from GWH and Frances to Tootsie and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. All these scripts as for instance Oppenheimer or Titanic are very worth reading.
For two outstanding teleplays on pathological dualism, honor, shame, guilt, honor, appearance and reality, see Reign and Turn. They are sort of like a televised Hamilton or Titanic, but different. The mix of historical fantasy with melodrama is the same however. Kane, Follows, Diggs, Miranda, Numrich, and many others, create gorgeous performances. As did Ms. Winslet, Mr. Dicaprio and many others in that movie.
A Beautiful Mind deals with honor and shame, guilt and morality, and appearances and reality. It’s slightly like Good Will Hunting but not.
Also possibly relevant, useful and inspiring are the Asher Lev novels, My Name is Asher Lev and The Gift of Asher Lev, which he also made into a play. See also the Book of Lights and the play based on it, and the plays based on The Chosen and The Promise.
Coppelia deals with this theme, a comedy where as the great ballet critic Denby noted, the man seeks to reconcile the real and ideal woman with sleep, and Sleeping Beauty does a similar point of view for the woman character and male one in different ways. Giselle and La Sylphide are tragic angles on this same theme. You can see these on ice too - Giselle by Yuna Kim and Katya Gordeeeva, as well as Nicole Bobek and diverse additional many others, such as Yukari Nakano. Giselle and La Sylphide deal with the conflicts and clashes of honor and shame vs. guilt and morality cultures, and the historical, spiritual, cultural, and political evolution of one to another. So does Macbeth, from which La Sylphide takes its witch brew prophecy scene.
Knowing about this kind of pathology can help you separate and disentangle, the confusion of politics with religion. Tangling either up and especially both is deeply, systemically, sadly often lethally dangerous. You can see this tangling in the words of a Machiavellian fellow. Mr. Hasan in a recent public debate, which he lost publicly, at Munk with the braver, more brilliant and honest, plain-spoken Mr. Murray. To be fair, no disrespect intended to Machiavelli, who would not have approved of Mr. Hasan’s views, words or actions.
The word ‘angel’ comes from Latin angelus, a transcription from the Greek aggelos meaning ‘messenger.’
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A great film about cancel culture, honor, shame, appearance vs. reality, guilt and morality:
You can use a mirror to practice gestures and body demeanor and body language, too. You can do that with your ally/allies, too. List points on paper, do a free write, aka emotion diary or vomit draft or many first. You can use visuals too.
A story about an inter-race romance, cancel culture, honor, shame, guilt, morality, appearance, reality.
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True spirituality has to do with and is defined by in part, among other variables, following your heart, conscience, and reason, all Divine gifts of Allah, to you. I hope this helps. Cheers, best wishes and blessings, Carina.
See another film on honor, shame, guilt, morality, appearance vs. reality.
Possibly you might envision angels helping you, or saints, sages, or prophets or mystics of your tradition. You might ask Rabia of Basra for help, Hagar, Aisha, or Khadijah.
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If there are angels in the text of the Bible, originally written in Hebrew, why is the word Greek? The first Greek version of the Bible is called the Septuagint Bible, which is acknowledged as sacred because the seventy assembled Elders were said to have each produced the same translation independently of one another. From there, aggelos came into use in scriptural translations for the Hebrew word for ‘messenger,’ mal’akh, the base of which means ‘to send,’ understood as ‘sent from [G-d].’
Above, a film on cancel culture, honor, shame, guilt, morality, appearance, reality.
True honor is a mix of following your own reason, heart and conscience, gifts from your Creator. And doing what is right in the eyes of others in a nuanced, balanced blend. True honor isn’t different for men and women per se, but rather equal and profoundly similar if not exactly the same, but essentially the same. The core of true honor is the same for men or women. In my tradition we have a word, mensch, which can be used for men or women, which expresses this peculiar and true sense of honor.
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You might also find engaging Romeo and Juliet, both the Luhrmann and Zeffirelli versions; you can see great dance movies too: Makarova, Ferri, and Ulanova. Great skaters who danced the part include Cohen, Wagner, and Yamaguchi. And in classical ballet, Swan Lake deals with honor, shame, guilt, morality, appearance, and reality, as well as love vs. lust and sensuality vs. spirituality. The villains embody and express honor and shame cultures, as Myrtha and Albrecht do in Giselle. However, the good, innocent characters - the prince in a complicated and tragic-heroic way, Odette, and her fellow swans, embody and express guilt and morality, and transformation, repentance, and atonement and spirituality, chiefly embodied and expressed by the prince’s tragic transformation and ultimate redemption via the Christian symbolism of the red sea like, rather baptismal lake. Great ballet movies: Creole Giselle with Johnson, Giselle with Makarova, and with Fracci and Ferri; Romeo and Juliet, with Ferri and Makarova, and with Galina Ulanova; and La Sylphide with the Royal Danish Ballet. Also, Giselle with Makarova, the great snippets of Kirkland, available on YouTube. Another great ballet, and musical dealing with these contrasts of honor, shame, guilt and morality (“I’m only thinking of him….”) is Don Quixote: see Makarova and especially Kirkland in these roles, both available online. You can also see Kirkland’s Coppelia there, and in the movie of her and Baryshnikov at wolf trap. The screenplays of the above films are also readily accessible and can be either ordered online, read for free online or both.
Machiavelli wrote a great play about such dualism - The Mandrake. You might find this witty and entertaining. See also the great plays of Moliere, specifically and especially Tartuffe. Like Machiavelli, he challenged intellectual as well as sociopolitical, literary and philosophical conventions of his day - and ours. Like him he remains a great writer, of France: not Italy!
Books about culture clash concerning Western and non-Western cultures include Knife by Salman Rushdie, Hope Matters by Lee Maracle, Tania Carter, and Columpa Bobb, all Chaim Potok’s novels, short stories and plays, the works of Toni Morrison, and Ravensong by Lee Maracle. A compelling book about the values and importance, and enduring salience and depth of Western civilization and American civilization, and its divergence yet connection with Judaism and diverse religious heritages, is The Right Side of History by Ben Shapiro.
What is one thing you've learned from life?
What is it about no veil that speaks to you - feminism, you don’t think it’s a religious obligation truly, it’s cultural and/or political not religious in your eyes, you think it’s if anything more authentic religiously speaking not to veil, or political current issues such as gender apartheid and police brutality? All valid issues. Yoseph Haddad and Emily Schrader, a Jewish ally to Muslim girls and women, and feminist public intellectual and policy wonk, have excellent educational resources on these topics. See also My Stealthy Freedom, website designed by Masih Alinejad, a heroic voice for freedom in Iran. Also see Namazie’s Ted Talk (“ Creativity in Protesting Religious Fundamentalism”) and that of Samina Ali, in which she debates and discusses the surprisingly modern and relevant, historicity of women leaders and strong, empowered women in Islam. Both historically and now.
A similar theme of a man trying to reconcile the real and ideal in womanhood is prominent in ballet, and you might find, however technically immodest physically if demure, chaste, gracious, serene, graceful and humble spiritually, ballet interesting, educational, useful and inspiring. You can take classes yourself in dance art and technique at places like Broadway Dance Center, Steps, or Ballet Arts; if that interests you, not only in ballet, but jazz or belly dance or some such or any and diverse combinations. You can cross-train with one dance form and do diverse many additional others. You can belly dance at a local Islamic community and culture center or perhaps a YMCA. A JCC likely also offers dance classes. You might be able to find calligraphy, painting, or jewelry making classes at an Islamic cultural and community center, a JCC, and/or a Y. All these extracurricular activities, in addition to looking good on a series of college applications, can, like volunteering, for instance summer tutoring, help you personally, emotionally, spiritually and socially with growth and forward movement, as well as finding joy, not only enlightenment, though both, in life. And de-stressing and relaxing you. Meditation and prayer, as well as singing and music, you can also find at community and culture centers, including and not only Islamic ones. You can find music classes at Lucy Moses. And sports can be a great way to also burnish your college resume, self-develop both physically and mentally, self-express both ways, and discover the joys of teamwork, self-discipline, goal setting and the like. And relax, cope and de-stress. Any or diverse combinations of these might work for you and also help you find friends, allies, and mentors of diverse natures and backgrounds.
Sacks literally wrote the book on pathological dualism, Not in G-d’s Name. You might also find the resources of Ed Husain, referenced with admiration, gratitude, public honor and respect in his last, classic book Moraliy, of interest, use, comfort, and inspiration. See also Radical by Maajid Nawaz.
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“ Hamilton” is a great rap musical about honor, shame, guilt, and morality. The play also deals with romance, intrigue, gender, and sexuality. It’s like a modern Titanic: historical fantasy mixed with melodrama and combining high and low culture on a grand and epic, yet intimate and Chekhovian scale. Other themes include ambition and toxic masculinity and toxic femininity as well as the healthy, virtuous and wholesome kinds of both.
You might find Mr. Hughes’ Ted Talk on opposition to identity politics and tribalism also of use, inspiration, comfort, and/or interest. The works of Professor Chua and the late Professor Sacks are also interesting here, including her family memoir, about sibling rivalry and tiger parenting; and his book on the theological dimensions of sibling rivalry, Not in G-d’s Name, among others. The Dignity of Difference and Morality, part of a trilogy with Not in G-d’s Name, may also offer comfort, inspiration and the like. You might also find interesting Sacks’ Studies in Spirituality, debate at Intelligence Squared, and Ted Talk.
Journal, journal, and journal more. A walk, jog, dancing session and/or swim can help un-clog your brain and free you of writing block, and also just be good for you, mentally and physically.
Don’t worry. They will not go to hell because of either fanaticism or your personal actions and choices. This is just a generational misunderstanding. You might be interested in the classic book The Chosen, which deals with this and additional moral and religious themes - generational misunderstanding, as well as generational trauma and generational love, culture clash, science vs. religion, cancel culture, mob politics/philosophy, honor-and-shame vs. guilt-and-morality cultures, and others. The sequel, The Promise, might also interest you.
The Olympic gold medalist Nathan Chen dramatized these themes intelligently and athletically in a long program about a ballerino defector from Communism, to America. He depicted the journey of both body and soul from repression to freedom, terror and tyranny to love and liberation. A popular film tells the same story off ice.
List exactly why you oppose veiling. Clarify you’re not leaving Islam as a whole, just veiling. Be firm, but gentle and respectful. Practice different scenarios with your trusted ally and/or allies. Imagine it going well, medium and decidedly not.
Swan Lake is more about these issues of honor, shame, guilt, and morality, and the deeply interconnected and intersecting ones of appearance vs. reality. But so in another way is the Nutcracker. Certainly many Romantic ballets are: Giselle and La Sylphide most systemically, powerfully, and profoundly and blatantly. Also many additional such ballets. The Dying Swan is about the ultimate soul and moral triumph of the journey of the soul over that of the body, or reality over appearances - guilt and morality both spiritually and physically. Over, and as the spiritually and materially right only alternative to: honor and shame. Baiul’s and Makarova’s are especially beautiful, and a great modern interpreter is Levito. Weir’s is handsome and brilliant too.
See also Shakespeare in Love, Manchester by the Sea, Stand by Me, Ordinary People and Argot. And Kramer vs. Kramer. They all deal with honor and shame vs. guilt and morality. And Margaret, about the traumatic aftermath of terrorism and war.
“ WHERE DO ANGELS COME FROM?
Scheherezade has also been done on and off ice so many times, and is a great painting of Europe. Kwan, Kim, Asada, Kostner, and Davis are just a few of the great skaters who danced the role of diverse backgrounds. Another great skater, Yamaguchi did Princess Jasmine, as did Naomi Scott in the modernized remake, and Robin Williams, of GWH Oscar-winning fame, may his righteous memory bless us all, was in another Aladdin. A Jewish mime, character dancer and actor, and ballerina, Rubinstein, originated the role, choreographed by Fokine, which has become classic, iconic, historic and influential on and off ice.
Great films about honor and film vs. guilt and morality include Frances, One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and Titanic. Also: the Imitation Game, Oppenheimer, and Sophie’s Choice. For a comedy, Tootsie and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which deals with how the sexes misunderstand and understand one another both through a lens of issues of honor, shame, guilt, and morality.
Scott’s and Yamaguchi’s Princess Jasmine are massively, profoundly worth seeing. And it’s often done on Broadway in NYC, and off Broadway in and outside of NYC. Browning portrayed Aladdin.
Autumn Sonata is a great screenplay and film that deals with honor, shame, guilt, morality, and mother daughter issues and themes. It is similar to Splendor in the Grass that way. West Side Story, also starring the great and legendary, inspiring, elegantly gracious Wood here as there at her peak, also deals with honor, shame, guilt, morality. There are mother daughter themes in the dynamic with Anita and Maria, as well as intergenerational and culture clash themes, and of explorations of toxic masculinity, toxic femininity, gender, and sexuality as well as race and class. Watch the classic original; you can also read Rivera’s recently published memoir, or that of Robbins published a while ago, complete, and replete, with compelling and gorgeous visuals. Another film dealing with mother daughter issues and themes, honor, shame, guilt, morality, and gender, sexuality, and class, and generational trauma as well as generational love is Fill the Void, by Rama Burshtein, starring Hadas Yaron.
In Kirkland’s Nutcracker and that of Baryshnikov, Clara overcomes shame to discover a truer inner morality of guilt, love, righteousness, atonement, memory and its moral power. And liberation, heaven, and redemption. Or salvation if one prefers. This is very worth seeing and hearing both and available on youTube. On ice its been done by the Chinese duet Shen and Zhao, Savchenko and Szolkowy, Asada, and Cohen. All legends of art and sport, and Olympics generally. Kistler’s Dewdrop, also accessible via YouTube, is immensely worth seeing; so too Baiul’s Clara/Fairy, done with Boitano. The honor, shame, guilt and morality themes are muted but real, systemic, and powerful and personal here. The shame of the childish, petty bullying of the boys and weird, eccentric outbursts from Drosselmeyer, not to mention the traumatic shame of the evil invasive mice, gives way to the sublime joy of heavenly spiritual and physical liberation, and the moral power of memory. The composer’s sister is practically on stage with Kirkland, who does beautiful tribute to Sasha. Cohen did the same haunting yet joyful effect, with a less technically brilliant performance, on ice.
A talk on appearance vs. reality, and issues of honor, shame, guilt, and morality.
Coleman Hughes’ free-speech-advocacy rap music deals with political themes of fighting cancel culture, mob philosophy and mob politics. His rap, like that of Matisyahu, stresses positivity, hope, creativity, inspiration, hard work, merit, education, self-reliance, and fighting cancel culture. Both are cancel culture survivors personally and politically. And creatively and professionally. For political satire, comedy and art: you can also see Latma and the Columbia Antisemitism videos, available online.
Clarify, prepare and practice respect, true respect for others who choose differently. People in your community, and not. But stay firm in your path. And beliefs.
Finally, Les Mis and the Story of Adele H. also deal with honor and shame vs. guilt and morality. Also deeply worth seeing - both the movie musical with Russell Crowe, and ice solos such as by Michelle Kwan, Caroline Zhang, and Yuna Kim among many diverse others. Phantom of the Opera on and off the ice - Akiko Suzuki, Meryl Davis, Patrick Chan - also deals with honor, shame, appearance, reality, guilt, morality, and like Girl with a Pearl Earring, a Beautiful Mind or Good Will Hunting or Oppenheimer, obsession, paranoia - its psychology and politics, pathological dualism, and delusion.